Last week, I wrote about experience — and how leadership eventually becomes less about speed and more about positioning. About learning not to chase every ball, but to place yourself well and let the game come to you.
This week, I’ve been thinking about the next layer of that lesson.
You Get What You Tolerate
Years ago, we had an employee who consistently struggled to get to work on time.
Everyone was frustrated. It affected the team. It affected our clients. And yet—for longer than I care to admit—we tolerated it. We worked around it. We explained it away. We absorbed the inconvenience.
Eventually, we did something that now feels painfully obvious.
We said, plainly and respectfully:
“You need to be here on time, or you won’t be working here any longer. Our team and our clients need to be able to rely on you. When you aren’t here reliably, it hurts everyone.”
That was it.
No drama. No escalation. Just clarity.
And guess what? The behavior changed.
Not because the person suddenly became more capable, but because we finally stopped teaching that the behavior was acceptable.
Every Response Is a Lesson
Leaders like to think they teach through speeches, values statements, and strategic plans.
In reality, we teach far more through our responses.
- What we step in to fix.
- What we let slide.
- What we revisit again and again.
- What we never name.
When leaders repeatedly rescue, they teach dependency.
When leaders tolerate ambiguity, they teach avoidance.
When leaders absorb poor behavior, they teach that standards are optional.
None of that requires intent. It just requires repetition.
Letting Others Own Outcomes
One of the hardest shifts in leadership is moving from solving to holding the line. Letting others own outcomes means:
- clearly communicating expectations,
- equipping people to succeed,
- being considerate and fair,
- and then… not undoing it all by tolerating what you’ve already said matters.
You can be empathetic without being unclear.
You can be patient without being permissive.
You can empower people and still insist on reliability.
In fact, empowerment without expectations isn’t empowering at all.
The Question I’m Asking More Often
These days, before responding—especially when something is frustrating or uncomfortable—I try to pause and ask myself:
“What behavior does my response reinforce?”
That question has changed how I lead.
Sometimes the right response is action.
Sometimes it’s a conversation.
Sometimes it’s restraint.
And sometimes it’s simply not tolerating what I’ve quietly allowed before.
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Leadership isn’t just about what you do in the moment. It’s about what people learn to repeat next time.
And whether you realize it or not, they’re always learning.
